A Place where I found real meaning in Solobaz
As most of you have guessed it’s a blog on those 2 damn days (11th-July and 12th July) of my Project, the so called PLUTO. I am the proud Owner (Tester to be true :-D) of the 3 components and I always finish my task on time. But hey hey! This blog is neither about my Project nor my work. This is about those damn 2 days!
This whole story started when I got a critical update and I had to verify whether everything was okay or not. So I started well before and I had planned to complete it till Friday. Everything was fine and I was happily and smoothly sailing on the boat. I had to verify this update on all of my 3 Components but still I knew I could manage. My over-confidence was boosted still more when I finished testing on 2 of my components and I thought now only “Firewall” remains. But then as the weekends approached things started to get a bit difficult and I could figure out that my sweet honeymoon will soon be over.
Matters became more complicated when it came to my surprise that I had to verify the update on all of the 3 platforms available. Already I had 2 scenarios to test and then 3 platforms total made the count to 6 and I knew it could easily become overhead for me. So I told them that nobody in this world would be able to complete this much testing within such short specified time limits, but I got the obvious – “Everything is automated, you can do it“. So I fancied and told myself that I could finish. As Friday approached things started to get worse. It was found that our lab dint had the appropriate connectivity and also some Viruses were happily finding their Sweet Homes in our testing machines and then my wonderful dreamland came thrashing into pieces in front of me when I discovered that I will not be able to complete the testing. Getting nervous I came to know that I may have to come on weekends to complete my testing. But it was already very late and I knew I had to come. The last nail in my coffin came when all the connectivity suddenly went out! Alas!
So, I packed my bags and left for home. Then came the weekends and I suddenly felt that the Testing was in the Air, when all of my frens were getting relaxed and chilling on weekends and I was stuck with this Damn Testing. There were no ACs running as it was weekend, also I could not find anything fit to eat and on top of that there was no cool water to drink. It finally took me 2 very dear days of a week and then at 10pm (from 2pm-10pm everyday) in the night finally I came to a stable level where I could say that there was nothing to worry and we could signoff on Monday. Then on Monday till 1pm in the afternoon I was able to finish off my testing and could sign off the same.
The other day, as I was sitting on my cozy couch enjoying a TV show, Suddenly, I came across the statement - "We are limited by our own limitations" and it struck me that it was actually right. The statement did make a sense and a strong message laid hidden beneath those little words and it appeared as if the girl in the TV Show wanted to ask the obvious - What are your limits? How Far can you Go?
I shifted uncomfortably on my couch and tried to push behind those images that sprang into mind about failures and downfalls - all the defeats which I had suffered in my lifetime. But then I asked myself, How many times I stood up as I fell down? How many times I tried something New? Till this time, I was completely lost into my memories and the voices of TV show and my friends' gossips appeared to come from a very far place. I was getting restless as I could clearly see all my defeats.
Then a voice spoke inside my head - "It doesn't matter whether u loose or u win the important is how u play". But then another voice inside my head said - "Its not important how u start, the important is how u finish". So it was all quite shaken up inside. I was feeling a bit low and could sense nothing. There are times when a person feels that all his confidence, energy has been ripped apart from him.
Still laughing, my friends asked as to what I was thinking. Coz they could see a Chalk white face. so I told them as to what I was thinking. Then a guy said, "Listen buddy, Failure and Success are 2 sides of the same coin. There is a very thin line of difference between the two, and ofcourse winning is not everything." I could figure out now as to what he was trying to say. I could now see that Success and Failure are inter-related.
A failure is not when we fail to succeed. Failure comes when we give up, when we are ready to accept the defeat. In other words we limit ourselves to our defeat, we don't try out for some new ways. I looked upon my defeats and I realized that all of them have come at the time when I gave up the fight. On the other hand, I thought Success is not always about winning. Success is, when you tried out your best in the situation, when you gave up all you had into the fight. Success is when you were not limited by your options and experience but besides you relied completely on innovations and tried out something new. History also tells us that Quitters never Win.
Now I knew what is one of the mantra for the success - "Never Say Never" Attitude.
It was raining heavily outside and as I sat down in my cubicle with a coke can in my hand suddenly a thought came to my mind, Who am I?, What I want?, Why am I here?.........
Water was sliding through the windows and I could see my reflection into it. A clear face of confusion, curiosity, desperation and desire - all mixed emotions erupted. It was like a fisherman completely lost and alone into ocean with nowhere to go. I always thought that I knew myself better than anyone but when my insides asked me, I was left speechless. It suddenly sounded the toughest and most brutal question of my entire life.
Still, thinking and chilling with my Coke can, I tried to convince myself and started to think that I can fool my insides with vague thoughts and unjustified explanations. But at the bottom of my heart I knew that one can fool the whole world but not himself. So I started to think seriously. Still, water drops were hitting hard on the glasses and the silence was creeping slowly and slowly inside me. It was getting darker and darker inside me as it was getting outside. There are times in a person's life where he is completely lost and left alone and he desperately tries to find an escape.
The first thought that came into my mind was "I am a simple person with some responsibilities, many ambitions and desires to fulfill" - a well known cliché. Then my mind was filled with the memories of past and I realized that I was not this confused earlier, when life was easy and full of joy. I used to enjoy it and live with it, never giving thought about what will happen next or what I am going to do. Like - "A Boy for the Moment". But now, as i see myself, I realize I have changed as a person, a lot. I have become more reserved, calm and composed and I always think twice, before I act on something. It’s like always thinking about pros and cons of situations and analyzing the things. Like - A Man with many Fears. Now I realize that I have certain responsibilities on me – of myself and my family. There are some other parts of life which should be now touched and explored. A totally different lifestyle waits for me in near future.
As I took the last sip of my Cool Coke, I realized that I always wanted myself to be responsible, a mature person and also a source of expectations of my family and society. I realized that I have discovered some untouched and never seen aspects of my life.
Suddenly I realized that all the clouds of confusion, curiosity and desperation have evaporated and now I could see a glimpse of confidence on my face. Now I knew who am I?, What I want?, Why am I here......
If anybody asked me I could answer and as they say I am a simple person with some responsibilities, many ambitions and desires to fulfill
